Pregnant as an OMS1

I have been missing for good reason.

We're having a baby!!


Surprise!!






We found out a few days before school started so it has been a complete ride.

Being pregnant and knowing I'll have my first baby in medical school has been very surreal.

Let's get up to date:

• We're having a girl!
• She's due at the end of February.
• First felt the quickening at 16 weeks.

So many emotions and thoughts.  But my main one: Can I do this?


It's been hard.  Doable, but hard.

I've had to get used to medical school and being pregnant all at once while still making sure I make time for myself and my husband.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was so terrified of what that meant with school.  What my admins and professors would say and think.  I was so scared they would think that I wasn't taking medical school seriously and that I was a wasted spot in the class.  But, I can say without a doubt that I am in the right place.  Everyone has been beyond supportive, kind, and helpful.  Staff, faculty, clinicians, and deans alike have expressed their support and love and I will be forever grateful for their kindness and love.  They are also allowing me to make up my missed school that will happen this summer before second year starts.  And I couldn't be more thankful.



Struggles per trimester:

• First Trimester:
• Pregnancy brain.  This is a thing.  And its also the most inconvenient thing that could ever happen to you in medical school while trying to learn everything under the sun.  I had always thought this was just something people made up.  No- it was the most awful thing.  I went from being able to remember things so easily to struggling to even remember how to to use the washing machine. 
•  Effects it had on real life: I washed my husbands cell phone.  And it died. Rice could not save it. 
• Effects it had on school: My grades struggled.  My retention was nothing.  I survived, but some of the material just didn't stick which will make studying for boards interesting when I get to that information again.
• Food aversions.   I hated most food under the sun.  I'm convinced my baby is made out of crackers and string cheese.  Because this is pretty much all I ate.
• Effects it had on real life: My poor husband had to cook us every single meal because the look of uncooked meat sent me heaving.
• Effects it had on school:  Low energy because I wasn't eating much.
• Exhaustion.  I slept ALOT.  I had to take nap breaks while studying to make it through the next few hours. 
• Effects it had on real life: I was a zombie for most of it.
• Effects it had on school:  I stayed home and ECHOed because there was no physical way I could sit in class all day.  When at school, I would literally takes naps on our patient tables in our practice rooms.
• Nausea. Brushing my teeth.  Made me more nauseous than anything and often made me throw up.  So did water or phlegm.
• Fetal development
• Effects on school life:  I didn't go to cadaver lab.  My school suggested this and was very supportive of this and made every accommodation for me to get the same amount of information.
• Second Trimester:
• Most of my first trimester symptoms carried over through half of second trimester.  
• The second half was better.   Energy picked up a bit. 
• It wasn't as grand as everyone makes it sound.  I did not feel like my non pregnant self still.  Prior to being pregnant I had a ton of energy and could run circles around people all day every day.  Second trimester was just less sucky than the first.
• Third Trimester
• My pants finally got too tight.  Luckily most of my shirts still fit since I've always born bigger tops.  I wear my husbands shirts to work out in and a few of my bottoms are still fitting just fine.  But, I refuse to buy an entire new wardrobe for 3 months of real clothes I can wear to school.
• Things I did buy
• Maternity pants-1 pair of dress slacks, 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of colored pants that can cross over between casual and business casual
• Scrubs- I just bought men's bottoms and a women's top that is too big.  Maternity styles were wayyy too expensive for what I use them for right now
• Maternity dress- one because it was cute
• Maternity tops- 3.  I got two from a local thrift store and the other one from Motherhood Maternity so I could wear it for our patient encounters.
• Heartburn.  This is real.  I'm convinced I will eat my body weight in tums by the end of my pregnancy.  I carry them around everywhere with me- movies, tests, out to dinner, literally everywhere. 

I think the hardest struggle is finding balance throughout all of this.  School is important, growing a healthy baby is important, my marriage is important, and I'm important.  Trying to nurture all of these has been my biggest goal.

I'm not at the top of my class.  And I'm okay with this.  It took me a while to feel this way.  I was really struggling with this at the end of my first trimester.  I'm so used to doing really well and it was a hard pill to swallow.  This season of my life is difficult and I have to make hard choices when it comes to time management.  Trust me, I would still love to be killing school and hope to work my way back up to it in second year.

But at the end of the day: I'm passing and learning a lot and absolutely loving school (even on the hard days).  My baby is measuring right on schedule, moving like a crazy person, and is even responding to music now (which is my absolute favorite).  My health is great, weight is right on track, all my labs are great, and I'm still lifting 3x a week which helps me feel "normal".  My husband is still the most amazing human I've ever met and has been beyond great to me from cooking, cleaning, love, support, and helping me in absolutely every possible way.

Block 1 of Medical School: Complete

The past six months of medical school has flown by.
Here is the gist of it:

White coat ceremony was surreal.  It was one of the best days to date.  I cried a little because I was so proud of myself.  I just couldn't believe my hard work and crazy life had finally brought me to the place I wanted to be and they were handing me my short white coat.
It was also hard.  It was so hard knowing my mom wouldn't be there.  That after when everyone is looking for their families faces in the crowd that hers wouldn't be there and it wouldn't be there in the hallway after either.

But I am so thankful that my sweet husband's face is always there with a smile, in the crowd, in the hallway, after a long day he's always there.  I honestly don't know if I would have ever had the confidence to do this on my own when there were so many bumps along the way.  A support system is absolutely necessary.

It took a couple weeks to get over the initial shock that I was actually on my way to becoming a doctor.  The deer in headlights in me stuck around for orientation and the first week and a half of school and wore off shortly after the first quizzes when we got back to the thing we've been doing since we were 5 years old- studying and quizzing.

I think its wearing off.  I feel like this is just life now instead of some dream.

I found out I was pregnant days before school started.  So school and baby together has been a complete roller coaster. With only 2 months left until baby things are getting really interesting.


Things I'm struggling with:
-Socially.  All of my classmates are so kind and so loving and they don't do this to boast.  But I do feel socially behind all of them.  They talk about their large institutions, their research, the places around the world they've been and it does make me feel very isolated.  I've been working since I was 15 to make it.

• Education: I didn't have the money or educational background to go to a large, fancy institution coming from a tiny, rural, under served, and lower educated area.  I went where I was offered the most scholarship and grant monies.  And ITS OKAY.  I may have went to a small, regional, university in the South West but I do not feel like my education is lacking in the slightest.  That small university got me a degree, hardly any debt, a lot of one on one attention from amazing professors who have worked at some of the most impressive places, and I am still on par in class with my peers who went to these dream schools.  If you are at a small school, it's okay and it is not a death sentence.
• Research: Small university=small research opportunities.  Also, I never knew how important it was.  I fumbled through this process a lot and wish I would have had anyone say "HEY!  THIS IS IMPORTANT!".  It's important, do it!  Even if it is limited and you don't love sitting at the bench all day at the end of the day this is how so many medical issues are being studied and you need to know and appreciate this.
• Travel: Poor in college regardless that a lot of it I worked full time while going to school full time.  My family doesn't have money.  All my money went to phone bills, car insurance, rent, buying a car when ours died, and all the in between stuff.  I had to adult which took most of money and there just wasn't any left over to do this amazing trips and experience the world.  And its okay- we are all so different and bring so much to the table with our lives.
• Lower class:  I think this is something I will always feel and will struggle with my entire life.  I feel like I will forever be trying not to be the poor lower class girl that I am.  I have a hard time relating to stories of everyone in their family is doctors, having amazing opportunities to shadow world class surgeons that their parents know, medical volunteer work all over the world, and so many other amazing opportunities that I am so envious of.  If this speaks to you- you're not alone.  I'm not alone in my class either, there are a few of us struggling with this and I know we're not alone around the country in feeling like this.

I know it's application season and I do wish you all the best of luck because it's a hard, emotional, and whirlwind of a roller coaster and everyone needs someone to root them on! Not every school will be a fit- always go for the best fit not the best name.  A name is great, but 4 years in a high stress environment might not be the best for your mental health if you're unhappy where you are at.  

You got this!

Block 1 of Medical School: Complete

The past month of medical school has flown by.
Here is the gist of it:

White coat ceremony was surreal.  It was one of the best days to date.  I cried a little because I was so proud of myself.  I just couldn't believe my hard work and crazy life had finally brought me to the place I wanted to be and they were handing me my short white coat.
It was also hard.  It was so hard knowing my mom wouldn't be there.  That after when everyone is looking for their families faces in the crowd that hers wouldn't be there and it wouldn't be there in the hallway after either.

But I am so thankful that my sweet husband's face is always there with a smile, in the crowd, in the hallway, after a long day he's always there.  I honestly don't know if I would have ever had the confidence to do this on my own when there were so many bumps along the way.  A support system is absolutely necessary.

It took a couple weeks to get over the initial shock that I was actually on my way to becoming a doctor.  The deer in headlights in me stuck around for orientation and the first week and a half of school and wore off shortly after the first quizzes when we got back to the thing we've been doing since we were 5 years old- studying and quizzing.

I think its wearing off.  I feel like this is just life now instead of some dream.

We have now had 2 patient encounters.  Which is a doozy in its own that no one ever talks about.  Because it is hard to be yourself, get the information for the grade, connect with the patient, and stay under the time limit.  But having these encounters really does keep into perspective why I'm here.

Yesterday I took my first final in medical school and took a solid B in my first course which I am completely happy with.  I'm really making it a point to keep my mental health and relationships a high priority.  And if that means I miss out on a few points to get a B, I am completely happy with that.


Ways I studied for this block:
-Group study.  I was really hesitant to because in undergrad I felt they were so unproductive.  But guess what?  In medical school, everyone there is ready to put in work so it is productive.  Alot of the group study was talking about topics, asking each other questions or practicing patient encounters on each other.
-Took my time the first time through information instead of just glazing over and thinking I'll go back to it later.

Also here is a secret-  there is a lot of information and it does take up a lot of time BUT it is all topics that you are interested in and it all relates back to clinical relevance so it's not that bad.  You may have spent the entire day studying but its typically things you're interested in so it doesn't feel like you spent the whole day doing something so dull.

Things I'm struggling with:
-Socially.  All of my classmates are so kind and so loving and they don't do this to boast.  But I do feel socially behind all of them.  They talk about their large institutions, their research, the places around the world they've been and it does make me feel very isolated.  I've been working since I was 15 to make it.

• Education: I didn't have the money or educational background to go to a large, fancy institution coming from a tiny, rural, under served, and lower educated area.  I went where I was offered the most scholarship and grant monies.  And ITS OKAY.  I may have went to a small, regional, university in the South West but I do not feel like my education is lacking in the slightest.  That small university got me a degree, hardly any debt, a lot of one on one attention from amazing professors who have worked at some of the most impressive places, and I am still on par in class with my peers who went to these dream schools.  If you are at a small school, it's okay and it is not a death sentence.
• Research: Small university=small research opportunities.  Also, I never knew how important it was.  I fumbled through this process a lot and wish I would have had anyone say "HEY!  THIS IS IMPORTANT!".  It's important, do it!  Even if it is limited and you don't love sitting at the bench all day at the end of the day this is how so many medical issues are being studied and you need to know and appreciate this.
• Travel: Poor in college regardless that a lot of it I worked full time while going to school full time.  My family doesn't have money.  All my money went to phone bills, car insurance, rent, buying a car when ours died, and all the in between stuff.  I had to adult which took most of money and there just wasn't any left over to do this amazing trips and experience the world.  And its okay- we are all so different and bring so much to the table with our lives.
• Lower class:  I think this is something I will always feel and will struggle with my entire life.  I feel like I will forever be trying not to be the poor lower class girl that I am.  I have a hard time relating to stories of everyone in their family is doctors, having amazing opportunities to shadow world class surgeons that their parents know, medical volunteer work all over the world, and so many other amazing opportunities that I am so envious of.  If this speaks to you- you're not alone.  I'm not alone in my class either, there are a few of us struggling with this and I know we're not alone around the country in feeling like this.

I am happy and thankful that my biggest struggle in medical school to date is socially feeling awkward and not the material.  

This is hard to tell the whole world that even after I have this beautiful white coat and wearing my scrubs and official student doctor ID badge that I still feel white trash next to my peers but I would have done anything to talk to anyone in my position on "the other side" when I was a pre-med and honestly doubted if someone like me could ever possible make it into medical school.

I know it's application season and interviews start soon and I do wish you all the best of luck because it's a hard, emotional, and whirlwind of a roller coaster and everyone needs someone to root them on! Not every school will be a fit- always go for the best fit not the best name.  A name is great, but 4 years in a high stress environment might not be the best for your mental health if you're unhappy where you are at.  

You got this!

Adventures in Apartment Hunting

School orientation starts in 2 months and 2 days.  Waaaa!

This past weekend we went hunting for a new place to live.

And it got me so so excited.  We timed the apartment from school and as we're sitting at a stop light C asked me, "Does this make you nervous?"  And it didn't. Not one bit of it made me nervous.  I felt like I had rainbows shooting out of my head I was so ecstatic that this dream is becoming a reality. 

That night as we lay there talking before bed I told him some of my fears about this dream.

I feel like I don't belong.  That this white trash girl with poor grammar and etiquette was mistakenly let into this elite profession and I'm going to embarrass myself so much.

I do have doubts that I'm not smart enough- that my grades and MCAT was some fluke.  But I have to keep reminding myself if I wasn't smart enough I wouldn't have even got an interview let alone a spot in the class of 2020. 

And his words may have been the sweetest thing out of his mouth to date.  He said it with such earnestly that I believe him with every fiber in me.

He said, "The people who have had to fight for everything know how to carry on when it gets tough.  You can do this."

As application season is in progress for the class of 2021, here is your friendly reminder that you can do this too. 

You got this. 

Part 2: Why Medicine

For me, "why medicine" was very difficult to summarize into a few sentences to put into my personal statement or reduce for interviews.  I have to sum it up in a few lengthy blog posts at best.

It is a lifetime of feelings and experiences that had to be condensed.  Most importantly it was my view on my mother from healthy to ill that helped shape this part of me.

Read my Part 1: Why Medicine to read my why from the beginning.

My mom had always been beautiful to me.  She hated her thin, wispy, mousy brown/blonde hair that we often dyed blonde and chopped funky and spiky but I liked to play with it because it would do just about everything my hair wouldn't.  She hated her thin nails and would often tell me how jealous she was of mine.  In high school I still wasn't very girly but had wanted my nails nicely painted so I asked her to help me.  In the middle of her drawing some cool design she whipped off the top of her head she said, "You have every body trait I always wanted," and she giggled and kept painting.  She always had fair skin that would sunburn so badly but would never miss out on our sun soaked soccer tournaments.  The latter part of my childhood she was constantly sunburned because of this.  She had these piercing green eyes that always had a little twinkle in them - which I'm pretty sure just showed how mischievous she was, even as a mother she loved a little trouble.  She always had this bone structure that did not resemble mine- her legs and arms were slender but always muscular, my wrist width had been bigger than hers since I was in 3rd grade.  She had cute little feet and the hands of a woman who had worked hard her whole life.  She always made sure she looked her best by applying her makeup, styling her hair, and smelling wonderful.  She would have killed me if I would ever worn a bra strap that stuck out of my shirt.

She did not look like this woman anymore at my reception.  Her hair was still wispy- but thinner and not healthy.  Her nails were worse than ever - thin and full of ridges.  Her fair skin was sickly yellow, had a weird smell, and was terribly oily.  Her eyes just weren't twinkling anymore- it was more of a wince like she was in constant pain.  It looked like her eyes were bulging out and the whites of her eyes were this terrible yellow color.  Her body was now disproportional looking; her arms and legs were nothing but flesh and bones while her abdomen was 4x the normal size and her face was so swollen.  She looked painfully put together.  Her white bra was peaking out of her black dress, she didn't have her makeup just so like she always had, her shoes and jewelry did not match like they always had in the past.  Her feet, hands, and joints were also swollen for how little her limbs had become. The woman at my wedding was a woman who was hanging on with every inch of her being to be there. 

She was obviously very ill but I assumed that she'd just get better.  She wasn't old.  She was only 47.  It hadn't even crossed my mind that she might die.


I wish I would have been strong enough to lean on my mom like a little girl and asked her to do my hair and makeup once last time.  I wish I would have been strong enough to notice this shell of a woman was in trouble.

Everyone was absolutely concerned with my mom's appearance.  She was yellow, not really something people can easily ignore.


I had all sorts of family members coming up to me asking me to beg my mom to go to the hospital.

I already had.

Her response, "I didn't go because I knew if I did go they wouldn't let me out.  And I couldn't miss this."


My family was hovered around each other determining the next best step to care for my mom.


She promised to go as soon as my reception was over in Phoenix, because she knew she wouldn't get adequate care in our dinky hospital.


My mother sat in her seat the entire reception.  Too weak to really do anything else.

I was embarrassed at how weak and sickly my mother was.  That wasn't her.  My mom was a strong, put together, proud woman.  The woman in the chair was sick and weak.

C's family was busy taking pictures and making sure we all got pictures together.

My family not so much.  As they should be- they were more concerned with the terrible shape my mother was in.  I look back at pictures and hardly have any of my family.  I didn't even get one of my mom, brother, and I.  How did this happen?  How did I not get one stupid picture of the people that meant the most to me?

At the end of the night, I grabbed our guest book, kissed my mom, skipped away, and was on our way out to the hotel.

That night I lazily read through the guest book.  I giggled as I thumbed through it.  I came across my mom's comments.  I hadn't recognized the hand-writing.  It wasn't hers.  It looked like some 80 year old woman's handwriting.  I saw the signature smiley face she always wrote on her notes.  This is when I stopped and thought that my mom isn't doing too good.

My mom and brother were staying in the same hotel.  I decided I needed to go check on her even if it was my wedding night.

I walked down the stairs and across the parking lot to the building they were in.  When my brother (who was 15) opened the door I saw my mom.  Curled up in a ball with all the blankets in the hotel room on her as well as a sleeping bag.  Her room had to have been in the high 70's too.  She wasn't okay.

Me-"Are you okay?"
Mom-"I'm fine."
Me-"Mom, it's obvious you are NOT okay.  Go to the hospital."
Mom-"No, the one here isn't good.  I'll be fine."
Me-"Mom, really??"
Mom-"I'm fine." and she curled up in a ball away from me.
I walk over to the other side of the bed.
Me-"Mom, promise me you'll go in the morning?"
Mom-"Fine. I'll go.  Now go enjoy your wedding night."
I told her I loved her and left her room.

We decided we would go on our real honeymoon 6 months later so the day after the wedding we went to Phoenix for a few days for our pre-honeymoon.

My mom was supposed to leave her hotel room the morning after the wedding. 

While in Phoenix I got a call asking why my mom hadn't left the hotel yet.  I was mortified.  C's family owned the hotel and had allowed her to stay for the wedding free of charge.  And she had overstayed her welcome.  Why was my mom still there? 


I called my mom and she said she just felt too sick to drive.  I was embarrassed because it made her look like a moocher to my new family. 

My 15 year old brother ended up driving them to Phoenix.

A few days into our trip my mom called. 

Mom-"Hi sweetie.  The doctors told me whats wrong."
Me-"Oh ya? Well what is it?"
Mom- "They said that my liver isn't functioning well.  And I did it to myself." I could tell she was fighting back tears.
"They said if I get better I might be eligible for a transplant."
Me- "I'm sure you will be get better soon."


I didn't think my mom was this sick.  She couldn't be.  I didn't even believe that she'd need a transplant.  I figured she'd just get better.

I was mad.  I was mad that she was so sick.  I was mad that she had drank herself into it. My only real parent couldn't be sick.  I needed her.  My brother was 15, he needed her.  I couldn't raise my brother.  We needed her.  I disguised my absolute terror with anger.

I wish I were stronger at 20 so I could have processed my panic better.

A Starting Point

It's 2016 and I officially start medical school this year. 

Here are the things I shamelessly search Google or Pinterest for:

1. What to wear in medical school- including business casual ideas and dressy flats

2. Being a woman in medicine

3. Being married in medical school 

4. Having a family in medical school 

5. Cute dogs

6. How to study better

7. Worst parts of medicine

8. Best parts of medicine

9. Obstacles of coming from a different background in medical school 

I want this blog to serve as a guide of things I wish were all in one area because I know I can't be the only person in the world that searches constantly  for the answers above.

As school and life progresses so will the posts. 

So here's to 2016- a year of change and firsts!!