Life dragged on after my mom died.
The next month I hardly remember.
I was a zombie. I just went through the motions of life.
We were living in C's grandpa's hotel before we moved to Flagstaff in August.
I sat and wrote our thank you notes from our wedding. I felt bad it was a month later.
C's mom reassured me everyone would understand.
We worked and saved money.
I ran more than I had in my prior life. Because that's what it was. There was life when my mom was alive and now there was this new life that she wasn't.
I cried the first mile every day. The second mile I'd find my courage and know that I was running because my mom couldn't anymore. The third mile I told myself my mom was running next to me.
This was solace.
This was now normal.
I worked at the hotel so during my lunch break I would go back to our room and play with our puppy and cry. This fur ball seemed to be the only bit of sunshine I'd let in now.
C didn't know what to say. His body language showed he was uncomfortable.
I needed him to talk to me about it. And all I could see every time I tried to bring it up was the uncomfortableness on his body.
I don't think I laughed for months.
This was now normal.
This was solace.
This was now normal.
I worked at the hotel so during my lunch break I would go back to our room and play with our puppy and cry. This fur ball seemed to be the only bit of sunshine I'd let in now.
C didn't know what to say. His body language showed he was uncomfortable.
I needed him to talk to me about it. And all I could see every time I tried to bring it up was the uncomfortableness on his body.
I don't think I laughed for months.
This was now normal.
C's mom and dad helped move us to Flagstaff.
We were supposed to go to Colorado so C could continue playing football. But I couldn't handle one more life changing event. So he willingly agreed to move back to Flagstaff with me.
I was strong now. I could move away from everyone I knew and be fine.
We moved into a tiny studio apartment that I loved.
I went back to school. I don't know how I did it. But I did a month after her death I was sitting in the classroom.
In my head I just told myself, "Mom would be so mad at you for giving up. Whatever you do, don't give up."
My head was not in class, but I went anyway.
Somehow I pulled out decent grades. 2 B's and 4 A's.
That was the only good thing that semester.
C and I didn't talk much anymore. I was convinced we would get divorced before we made it to a year.
I was also convinced he was telling his mom how unhappy he was. And that made me more upset because I couldn't do that with my mom.
I resented him a little bit for having parents and I didn't. It wasn't his fault, but I wasn't thinking straight either.
I was also convinced he was telling his mom how unhappy he was. And that made me more upset because I couldn't do that with my mom.
I resented him a little bit for having parents and I didn't. It wasn't his fault, but I wasn't thinking straight either.
I couldn't blame him for being unhappy. He was now married to a stranger. She didn't laugh or smile or have fun anymore. She went to class and cried most of the night and would lock herself in the bathroom because she didn't want to talk.
We didn't talk about the big "D" word. But we both knew it was coming.
How was I supposed to make someone else happy when I hated my life? I wasn't happy. I didn't know how to be happy anymore.
Looking back, I was obviously depressed but back then I couldn't lift my head up long enough to realize that. I was in survival mode.
My brother was now living with my dad. My dad was making an effort so I made an even bigger effort. Than out of nowhere, my dad stopped trying to be a dad, again. I assumed J would now be coming with us to live. Because I was all he had left. I was slightly terrified but knew I could do it.
My uncle and aunt decided to take him in. I will never be able to thank them enough for that. We weren't ready for that kind of responsibility yet but I knew it was what had to be done. They prolonged my already tainted childhood and I will forever be grateful for that.
That fall we also had to go through my mom's things. I hated this. It was awful.
My mom was so poor, most of her things were garbage. I hated seeing how she had been living. She deserved so much better than the filth she had.
I found hospital papers from January. So I snooped. My mom had gone in (unbeknownst to all of us) and was saying there was something wrong. The doctor's orders: AA. Alcoholic's Anonymous. That was it.
She was dismissed for being a poor, alcoholic and sent away. I don't blame the doctors. But it was hard reading. They did no tests. Not even a blood test to check her liver enzymes. So many maybes flooded my head. Well what if? It didn't matter. The what ifs weren't going to bring my mom back. And that was the only thing I cared about.
My mom's last drink was in March. I can't even imagine how sick this made her to just quit without medical help. Her withdrawals must have been terrible. It makes me sick to think of how hard her struggle was with no one standing by her. I was in college and newly engaged. I was off in la-la land and J was too young to know any better.
My mom's last drink was in March. I can't even imagine how sick this made her to just quit without medical help. Her withdrawals must have been terrible. It makes me sick to think of how hard her struggle was with no one standing by her. I was in college and newly engaged. I was off in la-la land and J was too young to know any better.
Flagstaff life was hard on C and I. We didn't have fun. We didn't like eachother. We just managed.
I ran and ran and ran there. I ran away from the pain of my moms death. I ran away from my unhappy marriage. I ran away from life.
I was still a zombie. Just going through the steps of life. I kept telling myself- fake it until you make it.
I felt guilty for now being the reason C couldn't follow his dreams. He mentioned he wanted to keep playing, so we wrote down a list of colleges and from there decided where we would go.
The school in Colorado was heavily recruiting him. I just kept crunching the numbers and I didn't know how we would both go there and not be swimming in debt. New Mexico was so much cheaper. Although they just got a new coach who wasn't recruiting Cody like the last one was, it seemed to make the most sense.
It was November and we decided that in January we would move to New Mexico.
I was strong now. I could move away from everyone I knew and be fine.
Our honeymoon cruise had been booked since May.
At the time it was weird we were going to wait to go on a honeymoon, but after life was such a shit show there for a while I'm so thankful we did that.
Before we could do that though, we had to move out of our apartment in Flagstaff. There was a huge snow storm that closed the freeway between home and there for a few days. We were home for Christmas and had planned going a few days after to box everything up. We had to be out by December 31st. The road finally opened on December 31st.
No one came to help us because no one wanted to miss their New Year's Eve.
C, Chief(the dog), and I made the trek to Flagstaff to move ourselves.
The high that day was 14 degrees.
C and I moved the heavy couches, the dressers, everything. Just me and him.
We bonded over being upset that no one came to help us move in the snow. We bonded in our team work that we were forced to do to get the task alone.
We now understood; it was us against the world and together we could do it.
We were finally all packed up and our apartment cleaned by 11pm. We ate and left. The roads were still horrible. We had a trailer with a tarp over all our things. It had kept snowing that day. It was slow going getting home.
We shared a New Year's kiss in the truck somewhere on I-40.
We got home around 2:30-3am. It had kept snowing. No one had shoveled the driveway. We were finally home! And the truck and the trailer with everything we owned got stuck in the driveway in the snow. It was too cold, and we were too tired. We left all our things to freeze outside and went to bed.
I was so much stronger, I moved my own crap in the snow. I'll show my 20 year old self how hard I was going to rock 21.
At the time it was weird we were going to wait to go on a honeymoon, but after life was such a shit show there for a while I'm so thankful we did that.
Before we could do that though, we had to move out of our apartment in Flagstaff. There was a huge snow storm that closed the freeway between home and there for a few days. We were home for Christmas and had planned going a few days after to box everything up. We had to be out by December 31st. The road finally opened on December 31st.
No one came to help us because no one wanted to miss their New Year's Eve.
C, Chief(the dog), and I made the trek to Flagstaff to move ourselves.
The high that day was 14 degrees.
C and I moved the heavy couches, the dressers, everything. Just me and him.
We bonded over being upset that no one came to help us move in the snow. We bonded in our team work that we were forced to do to get the task alone.
We now understood; it was us against the world and together we could do it.
We were finally all packed up and our apartment cleaned by 11pm. We ate and left. The roads were still horrible. We had a trailer with a tarp over all our things. It had kept snowing that day. It was slow going getting home.
We shared a New Year's kiss in the truck somewhere on I-40.
We got home around 2:30-3am. It had kept snowing. No one had shoveled the driveway. We were finally home! And the truck and the trailer with everything we owned got stuck in the driveway in the snow. It was too cold, and we were too tired. We left all our things to freeze outside and went to bed.
I was so much stronger, I moved my own crap in the snow. I'll show my 20 year old self how hard I was going to rock 21.
It was finally time to leave on our honeymoon.
We had just moved ourselves in the freezing cold and gotten stuck in snow.
And we were getting on a plane to Miami to go on a cruise to the Bahamas. It was the best thing in the entire world.
No more snow. We left all the trailer in his Great-Grandma's garage while we went on this cruise.
C was going to miss a week of school because when we booked it we were on NAU's schedule which would still be on Winter Break and it was going to cost thousands of dollars to change the dates so C chose to miss school instead. I decided I would just go online at NAU still. I was life crisis-ing still and wasn't ready for all that entailed me to make the transfer.
The cruise was amazing.
It was beautiful.
We were smiling and happy because we were finally somewhere that our responsibilities were not. They couldn't find us in the middle of the ocean.
On Nassau, we parasailed. This was the first time I had really laughed that I could remember. And C was next to me experiencing it with me.
On Half Moon Cay we had a beach day. We suntanned and played in the water. We even got a little PDA going on. Making out in the waves. In the Bahamas. Was this real life?
At Grand Turk we went snorkeling at a few sites. The local driving the boat handed out these home made drinks- his specialty he said. C and I glanced at each other, knowing what it was - so we quickly drank it before anyone else asked what it was either. We giggled feeling a little rebellious together again.
On the boat, we played mini putt, went to the comedy shows, ate 12 pounds of pizza and frozen yogurt, watched the big NCAA Championship game on the huge screen on deck, lathered each other in sun screen, and did all the typical honeymoon things. We had to talk to each other. We were the only ones on the entire boat we knew. And there was no cell service or internet to break each other's company. Just us. And an entire boatload of strangers. It might has well been just us on the boat. Because that's all we cared about.
We were falling in love again. When we hadn't been for 5 months.
We had just moved ourselves in the freezing cold and gotten stuck in snow.
And we were getting on a plane to Miami to go on a cruise to the Bahamas. It was the best thing in the entire world.
No more snow. We left all the trailer in his Great-Grandma's garage while we went on this cruise.
C was going to miss a week of school because when we booked it we were on NAU's schedule which would still be on Winter Break and it was going to cost thousands of dollars to change the dates so C chose to miss school instead. I decided I would just go online at NAU still. I was life crisis-ing still and wasn't ready for all that entailed me to make the transfer.
The cruise was amazing.
It was beautiful.
We were smiling and happy because we were finally somewhere that our responsibilities were not. They couldn't find us in the middle of the ocean.
On Nassau, we parasailed. This was the first time I had really laughed that I could remember. And C was next to me experiencing it with me.
On Half Moon Cay we had a beach day. We suntanned and played in the water. We even got a little PDA going on. Making out in the waves. In the Bahamas. Was this real life?
At Grand Turk we went snorkeling at a few sites. The local driving the boat handed out these home made drinks- his specialty he said. C and I glanced at each other, knowing what it was - so we quickly drank it before anyone else asked what it was either. We giggled feeling a little rebellious together again.
On the boat, we played mini putt, went to the comedy shows, ate 12 pounds of pizza and frozen yogurt, watched the big NCAA Championship game on the huge screen on deck, lathered each other in sun screen, and did all the typical honeymoon things. We had to talk to each other. We were the only ones on the entire boat we knew. And there was no cell service or internet to break each other's company. Just us. And an entire boatload of strangers. It might has well been just us on the boat. Because that's all we cared about.
We were falling in love again. When we hadn't been for 5 months.
Not even a month ago I was sure that C and I would be divorced within a few months.
After this experience together- between having to move ourselves in the worst possible conditions and then being able to fully enjoy each other again in paradise, I knew. I knew that I would never leave this man. And he would never leave me. We'd came so far only because we did it together. We would be okay, as long as we always stayed a team.
And I've been sticking to him ever since.
When our flight touched down in Phoenix, we quickly went over to Phoenix Children's Hospital, because that was where C's little brother was and his parents. We stayed the day there with them then we picked up our puppy and drove the 5 hours to New Mexico.
Our belongings were still back home. All we had was a suitcase full of clothes made for the tropics and our dog in his kennel.
We drove to New Mexico in the middle of the night because C had to go to class the next day. I had never been there. My first time being there was when we were moving there. We drove by the apartments we thought we would probably end up moving into when we got in late that night. I almost started crying. There were bars on the door. BARS ON THE DOOR! How was I going to live in a place where everyone had BARS ON THEIR DOORS! We stayed in a Super 8 that night. When C was done with class the next day we met up the property management place to look at the inside of the apartments. It was nice enough. It was about 3 times the size of our studio in Flagstaff and about $450 less a month. We took it and signed the paper work then and there.
It would take a day for our paper work to go through so we stayed in Super 8 again.
The next day we got the keys to our new apartment. All we still had was our suitcases and our dog.
We laughed and went to Walmart. We bought only the necessities- a comforter, 2 pillows, 2 towels, and a puzzle.
We slept on the floor of our brand new apartment for the first week living out of a suitcase with our little travel size toiletries, our dog, and keys to a new life.
And this was the happiest we had ever been in our married life.
That weekend we went back home and C's uncle and his wife helped us move all our crap in. They didn't have to help- but they did and we were so thankful because it would have been just us again moving all our crap into a new apartment.
This was now our normal life.
Which was so much better than our prior normal life in Flagstaff.
We liked each other again. I was still really distant. I didn't fully let C in. I was too scared to show him how weak and lost I was. But I wanted him in.
After this experience together- between having to move ourselves in the worst possible conditions and then being able to fully enjoy each other again in paradise, I knew. I knew that I would never leave this man. And he would never leave me. We'd came so far only because we did it together. We would be okay, as long as we always stayed a team.
And I've been sticking to him ever since.
When our flight touched down in Phoenix, we quickly went over to Phoenix Children's Hospital, because that was where C's little brother was and his parents. We stayed the day there with them then we picked up our puppy and drove the 5 hours to New Mexico.
Our belongings were still back home. All we had was a suitcase full of clothes made for the tropics and our dog in his kennel.
We drove to New Mexico in the middle of the night because C had to go to class the next day. I had never been there. My first time being there was when we were moving there. We drove by the apartments we thought we would probably end up moving into when we got in late that night. I almost started crying. There were bars on the door. BARS ON THE DOOR! How was I going to live in a place where everyone had BARS ON THEIR DOORS! We stayed in a Super 8 that night. When C was done with class the next day we met up the property management place to look at the inside of the apartments. It was nice enough. It was about 3 times the size of our studio in Flagstaff and about $450 less a month. We took it and signed the paper work then and there.
It would take a day for our paper work to go through so we stayed in Super 8 again.
The next day we got the keys to our new apartment. All we still had was our suitcases and our dog.
We laughed and went to Walmart. We bought only the necessities- a comforter, 2 pillows, 2 towels, and a puzzle.
We slept on the floor of our brand new apartment for the first week living out of a suitcase with our little travel size toiletries, our dog, and keys to a new life.
And this was the happiest we had ever been in our married life.
That weekend we went back home and C's uncle and his wife helped us move all our crap in. They didn't have to help- but they did and we were so thankful because it would have been just us again moving all our crap into a new apartment.
This was now our normal life.
Which was so much better than our prior normal life in Flagstaff.
We liked each other again. I was still really distant. I didn't fully let C in. I was too scared to show him how weak and lost I was. But I wanted him in.
Grieving is hard. It changes you
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