Pregnant as an OMS1

I have been missing for good reason.

We're having a baby!!


Surprise!!






We found out a few days before school started so it has been a complete ride.

Being pregnant and knowing I'll have my first baby in medical school has been very surreal.

Let's get up to date:

• We're having a girl!
• She's due at the end of February.
• First felt the quickening at 16 weeks.

So many emotions and thoughts.  But my main one: Can I do this?


It's been hard.  Doable, but hard.

I've had to get used to medical school and being pregnant all at once while still making sure I make time for myself and my husband.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was so terrified of what that meant with school.  What my admins and professors would say and think.  I was so scared they would think that I wasn't taking medical school seriously and that I was a wasted spot in the class.  But, I can say without a doubt that I am in the right place.  Everyone has been beyond supportive, kind, and helpful.  Staff, faculty, clinicians, and deans alike have expressed their support and love and I will be forever grateful for their kindness and love.  They are also allowing me to make up my missed school that will happen this summer before second year starts.  And I couldn't be more thankful.



Struggles per trimester:

• First Trimester:
• Pregnancy brain.  This is a thing.  And its also the most inconvenient thing that could ever happen to you in medical school while trying to learn everything under the sun.  I had always thought this was just something people made up.  No- it was the most awful thing.  I went from being able to remember things so easily to struggling to even remember how to to use the washing machine. 
•  Effects it had on real life: I washed my husbands cell phone.  And it died. Rice could not save it. 
• Effects it had on school: My grades struggled.  My retention was nothing.  I survived, but some of the material just didn't stick which will make studying for boards interesting when I get to that information again.
• Food aversions.   I hated most food under the sun.  I'm convinced my baby is made out of crackers and string cheese.  Because this is pretty much all I ate.
• Effects it had on real life: My poor husband had to cook us every single meal because the look of uncooked meat sent me heaving.
• Effects it had on school:  Low energy because I wasn't eating much.
• Exhaustion.  I slept ALOT.  I had to take nap breaks while studying to make it through the next few hours. 
• Effects it had on real life: I was a zombie for most of it.
• Effects it had on school:  I stayed home and ECHOed because there was no physical way I could sit in class all day.  When at school, I would literally takes naps on our patient tables in our practice rooms.
• Nausea. Brushing my teeth.  Made me more nauseous than anything and often made me throw up.  So did water or phlegm.
• Fetal development
• Effects on school life:  I didn't go to cadaver lab.  My school suggested this and was very supportive of this and made every accommodation for me to get the same amount of information.
• Second Trimester:
• Most of my first trimester symptoms carried over through half of second trimester.  
• The second half was better.   Energy picked up a bit. 
• It wasn't as grand as everyone makes it sound.  I did not feel like my non pregnant self still.  Prior to being pregnant I had a ton of energy and could run circles around people all day every day.  Second trimester was just less sucky than the first.
• Third Trimester
• My pants finally got too tight.  Luckily most of my shirts still fit since I've always born bigger tops.  I wear my husbands shirts to work out in and a few of my bottoms are still fitting just fine.  But, I refuse to buy an entire new wardrobe for 3 months of real clothes I can wear to school.
• Things I did buy
• Maternity pants-1 pair of dress slacks, 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of colored pants that can cross over between casual and business casual
• Scrubs- I just bought men's bottoms and a women's top that is too big.  Maternity styles were wayyy too expensive for what I use them for right now
• Maternity dress- one because it was cute
• Maternity tops- 3.  I got two from a local thrift store and the other one from Motherhood Maternity so I could wear it for our patient encounters.
• Heartburn.  This is real.  I'm convinced I will eat my body weight in tums by the end of my pregnancy.  I carry them around everywhere with me- movies, tests, out to dinner, literally everywhere. 

I think the hardest struggle is finding balance throughout all of this.  School is important, growing a healthy baby is important, my marriage is important, and I'm important.  Trying to nurture all of these has been my biggest goal.

I'm not at the top of my class.  And I'm okay with this.  It took me a while to feel this way.  I was really struggling with this at the end of my first trimester.  I'm so used to doing really well and it was a hard pill to swallow.  This season of my life is difficult and I have to make hard choices when it comes to time management.  Trust me, I would still love to be killing school and hope to work my way back up to it in second year.

But at the end of the day: I'm passing and learning a lot and absolutely loving school (even on the hard days).  My baby is measuring right on schedule, moving like a crazy person, and is even responding to music now (which is my absolute favorite).  My health is great, weight is right on track, all my labs are great, and I'm still lifting 3x a week which helps me feel "normal".  My husband is still the most amazing human I've ever met and has been beyond great to me from cooking, cleaning, love, support, and helping me in absolutely every possible way.

Block 1 of Medical School: Complete

The past six months of medical school has flown by.
Here is the gist of it:

White coat ceremony was surreal.  It was one of the best days to date.  I cried a little because I was so proud of myself.  I just couldn't believe my hard work and crazy life had finally brought me to the place I wanted to be and they were handing me my short white coat.
It was also hard.  It was so hard knowing my mom wouldn't be there.  That after when everyone is looking for their families faces in the crowd that hers wouldn't be there and it wouldn't be there in the hallway after either.

But I am so thankful that my sweet husband's face is always there with a smile, in the crowd, in the hallway, after a long day he's always there.  I honestly don't know if I would have ever had the confidence to do this on my own when there were so many bumps along the way.  A support system is absolutely necessary.

It took a couple weeks to get over the initial shock that I was actually on my way to becoming a doctor.  The deer in headlights in me stuck around for orientation and the first week and a half of school and wore off shortly after the first quizzes when we got back to the thing we've been doing since we were 5 years old- studying and quizzing.

I think its wearing off.  I feel like this is just life now instead of some dream.

I found out I was pregnant days before school started.  So school and baby together has been a complete roller coaster. With only 2 months left until baby things are getting really interesting.


Things I'm struggling with:
-Socially.  All of my classmates are so kind and so loving and they don't do this to boast.  But I do feel socially behind all of them.  They talk about their large institutions, their research, the places around the world they've been and it does make me feel very isolated.  I've been working since I was 15 to make it.

• Education: I didn't have the money or educational background to go to a large, fancy institution coming from a tiny, rural, under served, and lower educated area.  I went where I was offered the most scholarship and grant monies.  And ITS OKAY.  I may have went to a small, regional, university in the South West but I do not feel like my education is lacking in the slightest.  That small university got me a degree, hardly any debt, a lot of one on one attention from amazing professors who have worked at some of the most impressive places, and I am still on par in class with my peers who went to these dream schools.  If you are at a small school, it's okay and it is not a death sentence.
• Research: Small university=small research opportunities.  Also, I never knew how important it was.  I fumbled through this process a lot and wish I would have had anyone say "HEY!  THIS IS IMPORTANT!".  It's important, do it!  Even if it is limited and you don't love sitting at the bench all day at the end of the day this is how so many medical issues are being studied and you need to know and appreciate this.
• Travel: Poor in college regardless that a lot of it I worked full time while going to school full time.  My family doesn't have money.  All my money went to phone bills, car insurance, rent, buying a car when ours died, and all the in between stuff.  I had to adult which took most of money and there just wasn't any left over to do this amazing trips and experience the world.  And its okay- we are all so different and bring so much to the table with our lives.
• Lower class:  I think this is something I will always feel and will struggle with my entire life.  I feel like I will forever be trying not to be the poor lower class girl that I am.  I have a hard time relating to stories of everyone in their family is doctors, having amazing opportunities to shadow world class surgeons that their parents know, medical volunteer work all over the world, and so many other amazing opportunities that I am so envious of.  If this speaks to you- you're not alone.  I'm not alone in my class either, there are a few of us struggling with this and I know we're not alone around the country in feeling like this.

I know it's application season and I do wish you all the best of luck because it's a hard, emotional, and whirlwind of a roller coaster and everyone needs someone to root them on! Not every school will be a fit- always go for the best fit not the best name.  A name is great, but 4 years in a high stress environment might not be the best for your mental health if you're unhappy where you are at.  

You got this!

Block 1 of Medical School: Complete

The past month of medical school has flown by.
Here is the gist of it:

White coat ceremony was surreal.  It was one of the best days to date.  I cried a little because I was so proud of myself.  I just couldn't believe my hard work and crazy life had finally brought me to the place I wanted to be and they were handing me my short white coat.
It was also hard.  It was so hard knowing my mom wouldn't be there.  That after when everyone is looking for their families faces in the crowd that hers wouldn't be there and it wouldn't be there in the hallway after either.

But I am so thankful that my sweet husband's face is always there with a smile, in the crowd, in the hallway, after a long day he's always there.  I honestly don't know if I would have ever had the confidence to do this on my own when there were so many bumps along the way.  A support system is absolutely necessary.

It took a couple weeks to get over the initial shock that I was actually on my way to becoming a doctor.  The deer in headlights in me stuck around for orientation and the first week and a half of school and wore off shortly after the first quizzes when we got back to the thing we've been doing since we were 5 years old- studying and quizzing.

I think its wearing off.  I feel like this is just life now instead of some dream.

We have now had 2 patient encounters.  Which is a doozy in its own that no one ever talks about.  Because it is hard to be yourself, get the information for the grade, connect with the patient, and stay under the time limit.  But having these encounters really does keep into perspective why I'm here.

Yesterday I took my first final in medical school and took a solid B in my first course which I am completely happy with.  I'm really making it a point to keep my mental health and relationships a high priority.  And if that means I miss out on a few points to get a B, I am completely happy with that.


Ways I studied for this block:
-Group study.  I was really hesitant to because in undergrad I felt they were so unproductive.  But guess what?  In medical school, everyone there is ready to put in work so it is productive.  Alot of the group study was talking about topics, asking each other questions or practicing patient encounters on each other.
-Took my time the first time through information instead of just glazing over and thinking I'll go back to it later.

Also here is a secret-  there is a lot of information and it does take up a lot of time BUT it is all topics that you are interested in and it all relates back to clinical relevance so it's not that bad.  You may have spent the entire day studying but its typically things you're interested in so it doesn't feel like you spent the whole day doing something so dull.

Things I'm struggling with:
-Socially.  All of my classmates are so kind and so loving and they don't do this to boast.  But I do feel socially behind all of them.  They talk about their large institutions, their research, the places around the world they've been and it does make me feel very isolated.  I've been working since I was 15 to make it.

• Education: I didn't have the money or educational background to go to a large, fancy institution coming from a tiny, rural, under served, and lower educated area.  I went where I was offered the most scholarship and grant monies.  And ITS OKAY.  I may have went to a small, regional, university in the South West but I do not feel like my education is lacking in the slightest.  That small university got me a degree, hardly any debt, a lot of one on one attention from amazing professors who have worked at some of the most impressive places, and I am still on par in class with my peers who went to these dream schools.  If you are at a small school, it's okay and it is not a death sentence.
• Research: Small university=small research opportunities.  Also, I never knew how important it was.  I fumbled through this process a lot and wish I would have had anyone say "HEY!  THIS IS IMPORTANT!".  It's important, do it!  Even if it is limited and you don't love sitting at the bench all day at the end of the day this is how so many medical issues are being studied and you need to know and appreciate this.
• Travel: Poor in college regardless that a lot of it I worked full time while going to school full time.  My family doesn't have money.  All my money went to phone bills, car insurance, rent, buying a car when ours died, and all the in between stuff.  I had to adult which took most of money and there just wasn't any left over to do this amazing trips and experience the world.  And its okay- we are all so different and bring so much to the table with our lives.
• Lower class:  I think this is something I will always feel and will struggle with my entire life.  I feel like I will forever be trying not to be the poor lower class girl that I am.  I have a hard time relating to stories of everyone in their family is doctors, having amazing opportunities to shadow world class surgeons that their parents know, medical volunteer work all over the world, and so many other amazing opportunities that I am so envious of.  If this speaks to you- you're not alone.  I'm not alone in my class either, there are a few of us struggling with this and I know we're not alone around the country in feeling like this.

I am happy and thankful that my biggest struggle in medical school to date is socially feeling awkward and not the material.  

This is hard to tell the whole world that even after I have this beautiful white coat and wearing my scrubs and official student doctor ID badge that I still feel white trash next to my peers but I would have done anything to talk to anyone in my position on "the other side" when I was a pre-med and honestly doubted if someone like me could ever possible make it into medical school.

I know it's application season and interviews start soon and I do wish you all the best of luck because it's a hard, emotional, and whirlwind of a roller coaster and everyone needs someone to root them on! Not every school will be a fit- always go for the best fit not the best name.  A name is great, but 4 years in a high stress environment might not be the best for your mental health if you're unhappy where you are at.  

You got this!

Price of a Dream

This entire process is so expensive.

Most DO schools require $1500-$3000 deposit once accepted per school.

As many of you know this wasn't my first application year either.

I took the MCAT twice= $500

Applied for an mcat prep program scholarship and thankfully enough got it! 

I sent all of my letters of recommendation through Interfolio.  $7 per letter to send, $20 to sign up. ~$70

Transcript requests: I had dual enrollment through HS, went to a university after high school, and transferred to another university half way through.  3 schools x transcripts x 2 years= $100

I was also fortunate enough to qualify for the AACOMAS and AMCAS application fee waivers both years which also saved me hundreds of dollars.  I did apply to a few extra DO programs that were not covered which cost me an additional $400.

First year I interviewed at UNM.  $50 in gas.  $65 in hotel. $30 for food.

First year I didn't get in anywhere so I applied to a medical school in the Caribbean, my interview in California just so happened to coincide with a family vacation  so there was only an additional $20 in gas I had to spend.   I was again fortunate enough to get in and I paid a $1000 deposit there before I had gotten any interviews this past cycle.  I was not going to not have a back up plan again.  C and I were prepared to move to the Caribbean to get this done.  So we also spent$350 to get our passports.

This year I received 3 interviews.

1. Burrell College of Medicine. $65 for hotel. $30 in gas. $30 in food.

2. A.T. Still SOMATIC .

No hotel money- stayed with family. $40 in gas. And family also fed me.

3. University of Arizona Phoenix.

No hotel money- stayed with family and they fed me. 

What was unique is my SOMA interview was Friday and my UofA interview was the following Monday so I just stayed with family over the weekend which saved a ton of traveling money! 

I did not have a professional wardrobe and am still drastically working on it.  I had to buy slacks, shoes, blouses, dresses, jackets, jewelry- the whole nine yards. 

My wardrobe consists of workout clothes, super casual t shirts and tanks, shorts, jeans, and sandals.  Nothing I can wear to school.

Earlier in the week I about had a panic attack because I was going through clothes and had exactly zero shirts suitable for Medical school in July in Arizona.   Ross saved me hundreds of dollars (compared to shopping at somewhere nice like the Loft) and got 6 shirts for $60. 

The past year I have spent about $500 trying to get a wardrobe thrown together.  I have only shopped in clearance and places like Ross to get these clothes.  That includes a suit, pumps, 4 pairs of flats, 5 dresses, 7 pairs of slacks, 6 summer shirts, 10 winter shirts, 3 necklaces, 3 pairs of earrings.  

I still have zero pairs of scrubs I can wear to school.

A Uhaul is $250 before gas.

Application fee for apartment: $190.

Pet deposits and first months rent: $1010.

Electricity set up: $200

Gas set up: $200

Internet: $50

Vaccines before starting: $25 

Bathroom essentials: $50

Then enough money saved to pay bills until loans kick in. $700.

How I paid for this:

Credit cards, saved every dollar I could (even if it was $10 from my tiny work study paycheck), C worked so hard to save money for this dream, asked friends and family to contribute (this was extremely hard for me to do) but I knew I couldn't do it alone.  My whole life I have been surrounded by amazingly kind and generous people and they are the reason we can afford the deposits and move.  I cried with every donation and am getting teary eyed thinking about everyone who helped make this happen.  

In the past 3 years I have spent/will spend roughly $8000 on this process.

$8000!!! How in the world?! I just sat down and added it all up as I wrote this.

I have been working full time since graduation 3 years ago and living pretty frugally.  I could not have done this on my own; so many people donated time and money for this to happen. Family has let us live with them the past year to save as much as possible.  We have both picked up odd jobs on the sides to have a little extra money. 

Ways I could have saved money: just studied my little butt off and taken the mcat once.  Only apply to medical school one year. And not have accepted a seat at the school in the Caribbean I was going to attend. These 3 combined only save $1670.  $1000 to know I had a seat and a viable option for my future was worth it to me.  

The majority of the cost is when you are accepted and moving.  Don't get me wrong, this could have been a lot more expensive if I wouldn't have been selected for the grant that paid for my MCAT prep class, the fee waivers for AACOMAS and AMCAS, or family taking us in, or interviews not happening to be the same weekend in the same town.  So many variables could add to your expenses.

$8000 is a lot of money when you are in undergrad and have no good source of money coming in and you're eating a lot of ramen.   But $8000 for the rest of your life isn't that much money.  It's an investment.  

Adventures in Apartment Hunting

School orientation starts in 2 months and 2 days.  Waaaa!

This past weekend we went hunting for a new place to live.

And it got me so so excited.  We timed the apartment from school and as we're sitting at a stop light C asked me, "Does this make you nervous?"  And it didn't. Not one bit of it made me nervous.  I felt like I had rainbows shooting out of my head I was so ecstatic that this dream is becoming a reality. 

That night as we lay there talking before bed I told him some of my fears about this dream.

I feel like I don't belong.  That this white trash girl with poor grammar and etiquette was mistakenly let into this elite profession and I'm going to embarrass myself so much.

I do have doubts that I'm not smart enough- that my grades and MCAT was some fluke.  But I have to keep reminding myself if I wasn't smart enough I wouldn't have even got an interview let alone a spot in the class of 2020. 

And his words may have been the sweetest thing out of his mouth to date.  He said it with such earnestly that I believe him with every fiber in me.

He said, "The people who have had to fight for everything know how to carry on when it gets tough.  You can do this."

As application season is in progress for the class of 2021, here is your friendly reminder that you can do this too. 

You got this. 

Part 6: Why Medicine

Part 5 Part 4 Part 3 Part 2 Part 1 

Here we are: my actual why medicine reasons that I've used in interviews, conversations, drafts in personal statements, and drafts to practice interview questions.  

So, why so many posts when I wrote about months and years after her death? 

Because grief is real.  And it takes a while to figure it out.  And it shapes you more than you could ever imagine.  And grief lasts much longer than the initial stun of loss.

And it took me a long time to come to terms with everything that death means and entails. 

It means- you have to do things without reassurance from one of the people you trust the most.  You have to stumble through taxes, insurance, and adulting and hope you don't screw up without any supervision.  You have no one to co-sign for you.  You have no one to ask about their pregnancies, deliveries, or ask what they did for their babies because their experience will likely be very similar to yours.  You have to cheer yourself on because Moms not there.  You have to actively seek out a relationship with your brother because there aren't parents to make you come together at holidays.  Mother's Day is forever horrible.  Her birthday is ok.  Christmas and Thanksgiving are kind of hard.  Every time "Kryptonite" or "Bleed American" comes on the radio it is a painful reminder of her singing in the car as loud as she can.  There are no more cards in her handwriting with a cheesy smiley face at the end.  I will never receive a text message telling me good luck, I'm proud of you, or I love you again.   There will come a time when I will no longer remember her voice. There was not a proud, crying mom at my college graduation.  There will be no proud parents at my white coat ceremony, my medical school graduation, or the for the first real job I have.  My kids won't know the most influential person in my life or their grandparents.  There is no one left on the planet that will love me no matter what crime, wrong doing, heartache, bad word, or bad action you may or may not do.  Your friend circle loses a spot.  There's no one to ask questions about the past.  There is no one to give you recipes for your favorite childhood foods.  I will never receive another pair of good luck socks.  Other things in life that used to be life shattering, barely warrant a shoulder shrug these days.  You really can't relate with others your age about their parents coming to visit or call or babysit or care packages; and they can't relate to you either.  When you see an acquaintance and they ask, "oh how's your family doing" you have a split second to decide if you will put them in an uncomfortable situation or just roll with it by saying "good".  There's no one anymore to surprise you with groceries when you're in between pay days and sick of ramen.  No one is coming to your rescue anymore so you have to figure out how to rescue yourself.  There's no one on your side sticking up for you anymore.  

The hardest realization, and I'll say it again, is there is no reassurance anymore.  You just do what you think will work and wish mom was there for her wisdom and try to stay strong when everyone else bombards you with their opinions on your life.

I didn't have her to turn to when things got rough with C and I.  I didn't have her when I still didn't know how to cook.  I didn't have her when I wasn't confident enough to even think about applying to medical school.  I won't have her when weird things start happening to me in pregnancy.  I won't have her to ask advice when those kids are being little shitskees.

You take these things for granted.  And people don't understand.  So they say things to reassure you, but you know they have no idea.  Instead it's like they cut you a little deeper. 

"You'll be fine, I lived across the country from my mom when I had babies."  Yeah, you did.  But I'm sure you were on the phone with your mom more than I will ever be.

"Oh it was just us and the baby."  No, it was never just you and the baby.  You're mom was there during your pregnancy and birth and you both own telephones.

"Well I can't talk to my mom right now so she might as well be dead."  No.  You still know in your heart of hearts there is a chance to talk to her again.  I have no chance. Ever. 

I will never speak to my mom in this lifetime.  Her advice is gone.  Everything I could soak up in 20 years is what I have.  I didn't ask life questions because I was a kid.  And those are the questions that I really needed to ask.

It was completely life altering. 

It took a long time to be "okay".  It also took a lot of time to reflect on myself as a person, my identity, and who I was before and who I am now.

I am a kinder and more compassionate person since her passing.  I had a very hard shell and didn't let people in.  Now it's more of a semi-permeable membrane.  I understand loss, grief, anger.  I understand the sadness that cuts to the bone.  I understand being scared.  I understand your frustrations with the unknown.  I understand the panic.

I'm not afraid to fail.  I basically failed my first MCAT and was denied admittance to medical school my first cycle.  If my mom were still alive, I don't think I would have ever even tried to get into the medical field, yet alone take the MCAT multiple times or applied two years in a row to medical schools.  I was not that strong because I had her love and compassion to fall back on.

It may be stupid, but I feel "YOLO" is a perfectly acceptable answer to the above.  Her passing showed me how precious life is and that we only have one go at it.  I will not be afraid to reach my potential, to fail, to feel love, be myself, or to enjoy life.  I refuse to wait for "one day".  Today is as good a day as any other.  I also refuse to live a life that want for me.  This is my life, my chance at what I want.  I was not put on earth to follow anyone's life plan other than my own.

Her death made me strong.   Maybe resilient is a better word.  Things hurt, but I know how to just keep going now.

When my mom passed, I really had to think of what living a life I could be proud of really meant.  

It came with a lot of tears.

Now, to the point.

Why medicine- 

Because of the countless nights I spent with my mom, there was always a doctor there in the middle of the night trying to get her better.

Because when I had a questions, there was always a doctor trying to answer.

Because of the countless tears I cried, there was a doctor handing me a box of tissues.

Because when the doctor told me my mom had 3-4 days, I placed all of my trust in him.

Because grief does weird things to your life and relationships, you grow into the person you want to be or let it break you, and it grew me into a caretaker.

Because it made me more sensitive and tough all at the same time.  Your doctor can't cry when you're in pain; you should be allowed to handle your pain while the doc does their job.  But that doc should also be able to show compassion.  

Because I want to be a role model to young girls thinking they're not smart enough- you can do this! 

Because I have been on the receiving side of medicine, I want to be on the giving side.  I want to have your answers, lose sleep to help your loved one gets better, to hand you a tissue box when you're at your lowest, and for you to put your trust in my hands.  

Because I could do any job, but taking care of your Heath is my dream.  I want to help you be your best self by helping you get healthier and staying healthy. 

Because I am obsessed with the human body and all the amazing things it does from making a new human to making little glycoproteins for antibodies. 

Because I want all the information and training possible to be this person for you.

Because my mom worked really hard to put me in a position to help others, to help you.

Because life is hard, I refuse to give up, and I refuse to give up on you.

Becaue I know I can.  And I know I'll be really good at being this person for you.  

So many times people have said, "why not a nurse, PA, etc"... My why not--- they are very skilled and educated and also very important and necessary components of healthcare; but they do not have the same level of education and training as a physician.  I want to have every tool possible to help you.  I want to know without a doubt of what it is I will be doing to help you.  I do not want to consult with another provider on every patient if I know what is the best care plan for you.  Sure, there will be plenty times I have to consult with my peers, but I will also be used to consult on others patients.  I want all the knowledge and training possible to provide you the best one on one care I possibly can.  I want the responsibility that being this person entails.  

Why medicine is so much more of a feeling then I could ever accurately put into words.  I want it, but I also feel it.  It sounds cheesy, but it's true.  But it's something every premed needs to be able to do.  You need to be able to clearly identify YOUR reasons.  Everyone's why is different, not everyone's why is heartbreak, and not everyone's reason is the same.  Your why can be simple, it's okay.  Your why can be complex, and that's okay too.  Medical schools receive thousands of applications and personal statements each cycle- make YOU shine.  Whatever your why is, know it and make it shine.  It will get brought up in every single interview.

And guess what?  I talked about my mom in every single interview.  It was emotional.  Some interviewers didn't like it (I could tell by the look on their faces), but others saw my compassion and my why more clearly.  I couldn't hide something/someone that played such a huge roll in my why medicine.  I am very passionate about letting others know- you can do this, it's hard but you can do hard things, everyone is very different so focus on what makes you stick out from all the other great GPAs and extracurricular activities.  My why medicine is what my difference was, and I made sure others knew.  

Know your why medicine- it's why you are dedicating your entire life to taking care of others. If you don't know, dig deep and find your why.

You got this.

Part 5: Why Medicine

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

If you're here, you've read about my mom's death and my grief.  After this post there is one more explaining my why medicine and you will have the full story.  

This new life was turning out pretty okay.

C was now full swing into Spring Football.

He was happy.  And it made me happy.

I would take my backpack and books to the university library every day and do my online homework.  This was my social life.  I didn't care.  It was exactly what I needed.

I needed to heal. And not try to people.


I ran with the dog.  A lot.  I did have a lot of free time.  I wasn't working.  All my classes were online.  There is only so many times you can vacuum your apartment.  And there were only so many hours of Maury and Jerry Springer you could watch.  Which I watched every day while C was at football.  Oh day time TV.

I was pretty routine.

Morning-
Watch the end of the Price is Right and all of Let's Make a deal.
Clean the house.
Go running.


Afternoon-
Library for a few hours.
Maury and Jerry.


Night-
C comes home.
Dinner

Looking back it's hard to imagine my life so mundane and basic.  How did I live like this? I was still obviously in zombie mode.  I don't know if I could have handled a "normal" 21 year old life.

I was some shell of a girl I used to be.  The old me would have ran circles around this new me.  I thought I was doing okay at the time but I obviously wasn't.  I was stuck.

Life was better here than in Flagstaff.  I still didn't fully rely on C because I was too scared to.

In February, I had gone to meet with the English Department chair to discuss my English class I had taken at NAU.  The course I had taken was basically an honor's English class.  It combined 101 & 102 into two classes.  I scored fairly high in my ACT testing so I got placed in the class.  I did not want to have to take 102 when I'd basically done a fast track course in it.

The lady had different opinions.  She didn't talk with me about it or anything.  She said "NO" and that was it.

I marched home angry.  I woke C up and told him I was going running because I was so upset.

Sprints. Because that is how mad I was.

I didn't even get a block away from our house.  The sidewalks where we lived were VERY uneven because they were made in the 1930s.I was sprinting.  Tripped on a sidewalk and did some crazy somersault because when I stopped rolling and sat up I was facing the opposite direction I was originally running in.  My shoulder felt weird.  I reached up to touch it and I had a bone protruding.  Something was definitely wrong.  I couldn't push myself up.  Walking hurt.  I definitely couldn't hold the dog's leash.

Luckily, our dog has always just loved my guts so I didn't need to hold the leash.  I let it drag behind him as he followed me home.  I remember breathing in deeply and slowly trying to just concentrate on breathing and not panicking.  I walked up the stairs and woke C up again.  I told him "I fell, something is wrong.  I need to go to the hospital now."
No tears.  The only thing I cried about anymore was my mom.  Pain from anything other than that wasn't true pain.  I was more worried I wasn't insured.  No family=no family health insurance plan.  Full time college kids with no job=no money for health insurance.  I was so scared I just kept talking about how we were going to afford this hospital bill.

C had to text his coach saying he couldn't make lifting because I was in the hospital.  Great first impression.

I had a third degree shoulder separation.  Great timing.

I loved seeing my X-rays.  I loved the doctors looking at it trying to figure out what to do next.  This is what initially got me looking into the medical field seriously. Great life find.

Unfortunately, with all those exciting thoughts came reality.  I couldn't button my pants, I couldn't wash or brush my hair, I couldn't wash my face or armpits, I couldn't get my arm up high enough to clean a dish.  I now fully relied on C to do the simplest of things.

I cut my hair so C had an easier time washing and brushing it.  He would even straighten it for me if I had to look presentable.  Most days he would put it in a braid for me before he went to class.  He would help me button my pants if I had to wear actual pants that day.  I had to wear his shirts because mine didn't stretch enough to put them on without lifting my arm up.  He even had to shave my armpit which was hilarious to me.

I had to rely on C for basically everything.

We didn't know people very well in town yet; we'd only been there a month.  It was just us.  I needed him.

The physical pain did help snap me back to real life.  Well, snap back to C anyway.  

There was this other, beautiful human now willing to take care of me with everything I needed and he even had a smile on his face.

I was not strong at 21 either.  I had to accidentally get hurt to rely on my husband and learn trust.

Why am I telling you about this shoulder injury?

Because I had to relearn trust.  I didn't trust anyone after my mom died- including my husband of all people.  I was fragile and was in survival mode.  I couldn't handle giving another human that much emotional reign over my life again.

I had to trust C that he would do so many basic things for me.  I felt useless and was embarrassed I was not this strong independent woman I'd like to think of myself as.

I was emotionally broken and now I couldn't even brush my hair.  I felt I was at some weird all time low before my shoulder healed.

This part of the story was important because I believe certain things happen for others things to occur.  I had to get physically hurt to jump start my healing of being emotionally hurt.

The hurt is still there.  It's always there.

The emotional pain doesn't go away of her being gone.

It's like the Hulk- he's always angry.

I'm always sad.

But that's how I cope.  I feel the pain and remember how awesome she was and use that to push forward.


I started living once she stopped.  I began living without care of what others thought.  I understood what it meant to live now.  You have one shot to make the most of this tiny amount of life we have here.

I became more ambitious and driven.  I became more free and less judgmental.  I became more kind and loving.  I became less afraid of failing.  I became less afraid of what others wanted from me or wanted me to do.  I started to really live my life.

I am more me because I no longer have someone reassuring me who I am.
I am more me because of the things she instilled in me when I was young.


My mom's best lessons were of pushing forward.  She always, always, always, said, "If you fall off, dust yourself off and get back up" and "How hard could it be?".

How hard could it be is a saying I literally tell myself daily still because of her.

I'm going to be okay because she instilled that mindset into me.  How hard could this really be?  I'm just in the middle of the hard part of the race.

My heart breaks often. I have faithfully cried at every important holiday, at the end of every race I've ran, or accomplishment because she was not there.

Last spring was the first time I felt "me" again.  I am able to fully let go and laugh and have fun.  My laughter is back.  My joy is back.

I have finally learned to live without my mom.  It took over 4 years.  I was me.  And I was going to be okay.

I wasn't strong enough at 20.

But at 25, I was strong enough to move forward.  Not because the number miraculously changed, but because I changed.

Part 5 was fluff but it was important.  It's not gut wrenching sadness like the others have been.  It was 4 years of mending, surprise meltdowns, crying over my mom in the middle of work for no reason, and keeping my head down trying to just survive.  I didn't just survive, I learned how to thrive.  How to enjoy my friends, husband, sunrises, good food, adventures, and the good in everyone.  

It took me a long time to figure out how to be happy after that much sadness swallowed me up.  That was the hardest part.  You never have to try to be sad, but I had to actively try and choose to be happy every day since she died.  That's the difficult journey.

Everything is different from how it used to be and it's gonna be okay.

Part 4: Why Medicine

Start from the beginning here: Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.

Life dragged on after my mom died.

The next month I hardly remember.

I was a zombie.  I just went through the motions of life.

We were living in C's grandpa's hotel before we moved to Flagstaff in August.


I sat and wrote our thank you notes from our wedding.  I felt bad it was a month later.

C's mom reassured me everyone would understand.

We worked and saved money.


I ran more than I had in my prior life.  Because that's what it was.  There was life when my mom was alive and now there was this new life that she wasn't.

I cried the first mile every day.  The second mile I'd find my courage and know that I was running because my mom couldn't anymore.  The third mile I told myself my mom was running next to me.

This was solace.

This was now normal.


I worked at the hotel so during my lunch break I would go back to our room and play with our puppy and cry.  This fur ball seemed to be the only bit of sunshine I'd let in now.

C didn't know what to say.  His body language showed he was uncomfortable. 

I needed him to talk to me about it.  And all I could see every time I tried to bring it up was the uncomfortableness on his body.

I don't think I laughed for months.


This was now normal.

C's mom and dad helped move us to Flagstaff.

We were supposed to go to Colorado so C could continue playing football.  But I couldn't handle one more life changing event.  So he willingly agreed to move back to Flagstaff with me.

We moved into a tiny studio apartment that I loved.  

I went back to school.  I don't know how I did it.  But I did a month after her death I was sitting in the classroom.

In my head I just told myself, "Mom would be so mad at you for giving up.  Whatever you do, don't give up."

My head was not in class, but I went anyway.

Somehow I pulled out decent grades.  2 B's and 4 A's.  

That was the only good thing that semester.

C and I didn't talk much anymore.  I was convinced we would get divorced before we made it to a year.

I was also convinced he was telling his mom how unhappy he was.  And that made me more upset because I couldn't do that with my mom.

I resented him a little bit for having parents and I didn't.  It wasn't his fault, but I wasn't thinking straight either.

I couldn't blame him for being unhappy.  He was now married to a stranger.  She didn't laugh or smile or have fun anymore.  She went to class and cried most of the night and would lock herself in the bathroom because she didn't want to talk.

We didn't talk about the big "D" word.  But we both knew it was coming.  

How was I supposed to make someone else happy when I hated my life?  I wasn't happy.  I didn't know how to be happy anymore.

Looking back, I was obviously depressed but back then I couldn't lift my head up long enough to realize that.  I was in survival mode. 

My brother was now living with my dad.  My dad was making an effort so I made an even bigger effort.  Than out of nowhere, my dad stopped trying to be a dad, again.  I assumed J would now be coming with us to live.  Because I was all he had left.  I was slightly terrified but knew I could do it. 

My uncle and aunt decided to take him in.  I will never be able to thank them enough for that.  We weren't ready for that kind of responsibility yet but I knew it was what had to be done.  They prolonged my already tainted childhood and I will forever be grateful for that. 

That fall we also had to go through my mom's things.  I hated this.  It was awful.  

My mom was so poor, most of her things were garbage.  I hated seeing how she had been living.  She deserved so much better than the filth she had.

I found hospital papers from January.  So I snooped.  My mom had gone in (unbeknownst to all of us) and was saying there was something wrong.  The doctor's orders: AA.  Alcoholic's Anonymous.  That was it.  

She was dismissed for being a poor, alcoholic and sent away.  I don't blame the doctors.  But it was hard reading.  They did no tests.  Not even a blood test to check her liver enzymes.  So many maybes flooded my head.  Well what if?  It didn't matter.  The what ifs weren't going to bring my mom back.  And that was the only thing I cared about. 

My mom's last drink was in March.  I can't even imagine how sick this made her to just quit without medical help.  Her withdrawals must have been terrible.  It makes me sick to think of how hard her struggle was with no one standing by her.  I was in college and newly engaged.  I was off in la-la land and J was too young to know any better.

Flagstaff life was hard on C and I.  We didn't have fun.  We didn't like eachother.  We just managed.

I ran and ran and ran there.  I ran away from the pain of my moms death.  I ran away from my unhappy marriage.  I ran away from life.

I was still a zombie.  Just going through the steps of life.  I kept telling myself- fake it until you make it.

I felt guilty for now being the reason C couldn't follow his dreams.  He mentioned he wanted to keep playing, so we wrote down a list of colleges and from there decided where we would go.

The school in Colorado was heavily recruiting him.  I just kept crunching the numbers and I didn't know how we would both go there and not be swimming in debt.  New Mexico was so much cheaper.  Although they just got a new coach who wasn't recruiting Cody like the last one was, it seemed to make the most sense.

It was November and we decided that in January we would move to New Mexico.

I was strong now.  I could move away from everyone I knew and be fine.

Our honeymoon cruise had been booked since May.

At the time it was weird we were going to wait to go on a honeymoon, but after life was such a shit show there for a while I'm so thankful we did that.


Before we could do that though, we had to move out of our apartment in Flagstaff.  There was a huge snow storm that closed the freeway between home and there for a few days.  We were home for Christmas and had planned going a few days after to box everything up.  We had to be out by December 31st.  The road finally opened on December 31st.

No one came to help us because no one wanted to miss their New Year's Eve.

C, Chief(the dog), and I made the trek to Flagstaff to move ourselves.

The high that day was 14 degrees.

C and I moved the heavy couches, the dressers, everything.  Just me and him.

We bonded over being upset that no one came to help us move in the snow.  We bonded in our team work that we were forced to do to get the task alone.

We now understood; it was us against the world and together we could do it.

We were finally all packed up and our apartment cleaned by 11pm.  We ate and left.  The roads were still horrible.  We had a trailer with a tarp over all our things.  It had kept snowing that day.  It was slow going getting home.


We shared a New Year's kiss in the truck somewhere on I-40.  

We got home around 2:30-3am.  It had kept snowing.  No one had shoveled the driveway.  We were finally home!  And the truck and the trailer with everything we owned got stuck in the driveway in the snow.  It was too cold, and we were too tired.  We left all our things to freeze outside and went to bed.


I was so much stronger, I moved my own crap in the snow.  I'll show my 20 year old self how hard I was going to rock 21.

It was finally time to leave on our honeymoon.

We had just moved ourselves in the freezing cold and gotten stuck in snow.

And we were getting on a plane to Miami to go on a cruise to the Bahamas.  It was the best thing in the entire world.

No more snow.  We left all the trailer in his Great-Grandma's garage while we went on this cruise.

C was going to miss a week of school because when we booked it we were on NAU's schedule which would still be on Winter Break and it was going to cost thousands of dollars to change the dates so C chose to miss school instead.  I decided I would just go online at NAU still.  I was life crisis-ing still and wasn't ready for all that entailed me to make the transfer.


The cruise was amazing.
It was beautiful.

We were smiling and happy because we were finally somewhere that our responsibilities were not.  They couldn't find us in the middle of the ocean.

On Nassau, we parasailed.  This was the first time I had really laughed that I could remember.  And C was next to me experiencing it with me.

On Half Moon Cay we had a beach day.  We suntanned and played in the water.  We even got a little PDA going on. Making out in the waves.  In the Bahamas.  Was this real life?

At Grand Turk we went snorkeling at a few sites.  The local driving the boat handed out these home made drinks- his specialty he said.  C and I glanced at each other, knowing what it was - so we quickly drank it before anyone else asked what it was either.  We giggled feeling a little rebellious together again.


On the boat, we played mini putt, went to the comedy shows, ate 12 pounds of pizza and frozen yogurt, watched the big NCAA Championship game on the huge screen on deck, lathered each other in sun screen, and did all the typical honeymoon things.  We had to talk to each other.  We were the only ones on the entire boat we knew.  And there was no cell service or internet to break each other's company.  Just us. And an entire boatload of strangers.  It might has well been just us on the boat.  Because that's all we cared about.

We were falling in love again. When we hadn't been for 5 months.

Not even a month ago I was sure that C and I would be divorced within a few months.

After this experience together-  between having to move ourselves in the worst possible conditions and then being able to fully enjoy each other again in paradise, I knew.  I knew that I would never leave this man.  And he would never leave me.  We'd came so far only because we did it together.   We would be okay, as long as we always stayed a team.

And I've been sticking to him ever since.

When our flight touched down in Phoenix, we quickly went over to Phoenix Children's Hospital, because that was where C's little brother was and his parents.  We stayed the day there with them then we picked up our puppy and drove the 5 hours to New Mexico.

Our belongings were still back home.  All we had was a suitcase full of clothes made for the tropics and our dog in his kennel.

We drove to New Mexico in the middle of the night because C had to go to class the next day.  I had never been there.   My first time being there was when we were moving there.  We drove by the apartments we thought we would probably end up moving into when we got in late that night.  I almost started crying.  There were bars on the door. BARS ON THE DOOR!  How was I going to live in a place where everyone had BARS ON THEIR DOORS!  We stayed in a Super 8 that night.  When C was done with class the next day we met up the property management place to look at the inside of the apartments.  It was nice enough.  It was about 3 times the size of our studio in Flagstaff and about $450 less a month.  We took it and signed the paper work then and there.

It would take a day for our paper work to go through so we stayed in Super 8 again.

The next day we got the keys to our new apartment.  All we still had was our suitcases and our dog.

We laughed and went to Walmart.  We bought only the necessities- a comforter, 2 pillows, 2 towels, and a puzzle.

We slept on the floor of our brand new apartment for the first week living out of a suitcase with our little travel size toiletries, our dog, and keys to a new life.

And this was the happiest we had ever been in our married life.

That weekend we went back home and C's uncle and his wife helped us move all our crap in.  They didn't have to help- but they did and we were so thankful because it would have been just us again moving all our crap into a new apartment.


This was now our normal life.

Which was so much better than our prior normal life in Flagstaff.

We liked each other again.  I was still really distant.  I didn't fully let C in.  I was too scared to show him how weak and lost I was.  But I wanted him in.  

Grieving is hard.  It changes you