If you're here, you've read about my mom's death and my grief. After this post there is one more explaining my why medicine and you will have the full story.
This new life was turning out pretty okay.
C was now full swing into Spring Football.He was happy. And it made me happy.
I would take my backpack and books to the university library every day and do my online homework. This was my social life. I didn't care. It was exactly what I needed.
I needed to heal. And not try to people.
I ran with the dog. A lot. I did have a lot of free time. I wasn't working. All my classes were online. There is only so many times you can vacuum your apartment. And there were only so many hours of Maury and Jerry Springer you could watch. Which I watched every day while C was at football. Oh day time TV.
I was pretty routine.
Morning-
Watch the end of the Price is Right and all of Let's Make a deal.
Clean the house.
Go running.
Afternoon-
Library for a few hours.
Maury and Jerry.
Night-
C comes home.
Dinner
Looking back it's hard to imagine my life so mundane and basic. How did I live like this? I was still obviously in zombie mode. I don't know if I could have handled a "normal" 21 year old life.
I was some shell of a girl I used to be. The old me would have ran circles around this new me. I thought I was doing okay at the time but I obviously wasn't. I was stuck.
Life was better here than in Flagstaff. I still didn't fully rely on C because I was too scared to.
In February, I had gone to meet with the English Department chair to discuss my English class I had taken at NAU. The course I had taken was basically an honor's English class. It combined 101 & 102 into two classes. I scored fairly high in my ACT testing so I got placed in the class. I did not want to have to take 102 when I'd basically done a fast track course in it.
The lady had different opinions. She didn't talk with me about it or anything. She said "NO" and that was it.
I marched home angry. I woke C up and told him I was going running because I was so upset.
Sprints. Because that is how mad I was.
I didn't even get a block away from our house. The sidewalks where we lived were VERY uneven because they were made in the 1930s.I was sprinting. Tripped on a sidewalk and did some crazy somersault because when I stopped rolling and sat up I was facing the opposite direction I was originally running in. My shoulder felt weird. I reached up to touch it and I had a bone protruding. Something was definitely wrong. I couldn't push myself up. Walking hurt. I definitely couldn't hold the dog's leash.
Luckily, our dog has always just loved my guts so I didn't need to hold the leash. I let it drag behind him as he followed me home. I remember breathing in deeply and slowly trying to just concentrate on breathing and not panicking. I walked up the stairs and woke C up again. I told him "I fell, something is wrong. I need to go to the hospital now."
No tears. The only thing I cried about anymore was my mom. Pain from anything other than that wasn't true pain. I was more worried I wasn't insured. No family=no family health insurance plan. Full time college kids with no job=no money for health insurance. I was so scared I just kept talking about how we were going to afford this hospital bill.
C had to text his coach saying he couldn't make lifting because I was in the hospital. Great first impression.
I had a third degree shoulder separation. Great timing.
I was some shell of a girl I used to be. The old me would have ran circles around this new me. I thought I was doing okay at the time but I obviously wasn't. I was stuck.
Life was better here than in Flagstaff. I still didn't fully rely on C because I was too scared to.
In February, I had gone to meet with the English Department chair to discuss my English class I had taken at NAU. The course I had taken was basically an honor's English class. It combined 101 & 102 into two classes. I scored fairly high in my ACT testing so I got placed in the class. I did not want to have to take 102 when I'd basically done a fast track course in it.
The lady had different opinions. She didn't talk with me about it or anything. She said "NO" and that was it.
I marched home angry. I woke C up and told him I was going running because I was so upset.
Sprints. Because that is how mad I was.
I didn't even get a block away from our house. The sidewalks where we lived were VERY uneven because they were made in the 1930s.I was sprinting. Tripped on a sidewalk and did some crazy somersault because when I stopped rolling and sat up I was facing the opposite direction I was originally running in. My shoulder felt weird. I reached up to touch it and I had a bone protruding. Something was definitely wrong. I couldn't push myself up. Walking hurt. I definitely couldn't hold the dog's leash.
Luckily, our dog has always just loved my guts so I didn't need to hold the leash. I let it drag behind him as he followed me home. I remember breathing in deeply and slowly trying to just concentrate on breathing and not panicking. I walked up the stairs and woke C up again. I told him "I fell, something is wrong. I need to go to the hospital now."
No tears. The only thing I cried about anymore was my mom. Pain from anything other than that wasn't true pain. I was more worried I wasn't insured. No family=no family health insurance plan. Full time college kids with no job=no money for health insurance. I was so scared I just kept talking about how we were going to afford this hospital bill.
C had to text his coach saying he couldn't make lifting because I was in the hospital. Great first impression.
I had a third degree shoulder separation. Great timing.
I loved seeing my X-rays. I loved the doctors looking at it trying to figure out what to do next. This is what initially got me looking into the medical field seriously. Great life find.
Unfortunately, with all those exciting thoughts came reality. I couldn't button my pants, I couldn't wash or brush my hair, I couldn't wash my face or armpits, I couldn't get my arm up high enough to clean a dish. I now fully relied on C to do the simplest of things.
I cut my hair so C had an easier time washing and brushing it. He would even straighten it for me if I had to look presentable. Most days he would put it in a braid for me before he went to class. He would help me button my pants if I had to wear actual pants that day. I had to wear his shirts because mine didn't stretch enough to put them on without lifting my arm up. He even had to shave my armpit which was hilarious to me.
Unfortunately, with all those exciting thoughts came reality. I couldn't button my pants, I couldn't wash or brush my hair, I couldn't wash my face or armpits, I couldn't get my arm up high enough to clean a dish. I now fully relied on C to do the simplest of things.
I cut my hair so C had an easier time washing and brushing it. He would even straighten it for me if I had to look presentable. Most days he would put it in a braid for me before he went to class. He would help me button my pants if I had to wear actual pants that day. I had to wear his shirts because mine didn't stretch enough to put them on without lifting my arm up. He even had to shave my armpit which was hilarious to me.
I had to rely on C for basically everything.
We didn't know people very well in town yet; we'd only been there a month. It was just us. I needed him.
We didn't know people very well in town yet; we'd only been there a month. It was just us. I needed him.
The physical pain did help snap me back to real life. Well, snap back to C anyway.
There was this other, beautiful human now willing to take care of me with everything I needed and he even had a smile on his face.
I was not strong at 21 either. I had to accidentally get hurt to rely on my husband and learn trust.
Why am I telling you about this shoulder injury?
Because I had to relearn trust. I didn't trust anyone after my mom died- including my husband of all people. I was fragile and was in survival mode. I couldn't handle giving another human that much emotional reign over my life again.
I had to trust C that he would do so many basic things for me. I felt useless and was embarrassed I was not this strong independent woman I'd like to think of myself as.
I was emotionally broken and now I couldn't even brush my hair. I felt I was at some weird all time low before my shoulder healed.
This part of the story was important because I believe certain things happen for others things to occur. I had to get physically hurt to jump start my healing of being emotionally hurt.
The hurt is still there. It's always there.
The emotional pain doesn't go away of her being gone.
It's like the Hulk- he's always angry.
I'm always sad.
But that's how I cope. I feel the pain and remember how awesome she was and use that to push forward.
I started living once she stopped. I began living without care of what others thought. I understood what it meant to live now. You have one shot to make the most of this tiny amount of life we have here.
I became more ambitious and driven. I became more free and less judgmental. I became more kind and loving. I became less afraid of failing. I became less afraid of what others wanted from me or wanted me to do. I started to really live my life.
I am more me because I no longer have someone reassuring me who I am.
I am more me because of the things she instilled in me when I was young.
My mom's best lessons were of pushing forward. She always, always, always, said, "If you fall off, dust yourself off and get back up" and "How hard could it be?".
How hard could it be is a saying I literally tell myself daily still because of her.
I'm going to be okay because she instilled that mindset into me. How hard could this really be? I'm just in the middle of the hard part of the race.
My heart breaks often. I have faithfully cried at every important holiday, at the end of every race I've ran, or accomplishment because she was not there.
Last spring was the first time I felt "me" again. I am able to fully let go and laugh and have fun. My laughter is back. My joy is back.
I have finally learned to live without my mom. It took over 4 years. I was me. And I was going to be okay.
I wasn't strong enough at 20.
But at 25, I was strong enough to move forward. Not because the number miraculously changed, but because I changed.
I'm going to be okay because she instilled that mindset into me. How hard could this really be? I'm just in the middle of the hard part of the race.
My heart breaks often. I have faithfully cried at every important holiday, at the end of every race I've ran, or accomplishment because she was not there.
Last spring was the first time I felt "me" again. I am able to fully let go and laugh and have fun. My laughter is back. My joy is back.
I have finally learned to live without my mom. It took over 4 years. I was me. And I was going to be okay.
I wasn't strong enough at 20.
But at 25, I was strong enough to move forward. Not because the number miraculously changed, but because I changed.
Part 5 was fluff but it was important. It's not gut wrenching sadness like the others have been. It was 4 years of mending, surprise meltdowns, crying over my mom in the middle of work for no reason, and keeping my head down trying to just survive. I didn't just survive, I learned how to thrive. How to enjoy my friends, husband, sunrises, good food, adventures, and the good in everyone.
It took me a long time to figure out how to be happy after that much sadness swallowed me up. That was the hardest part. You never have to try to be sad, but I had to actively try and choose to be happy every day since she died. That's the difficult journey.
Everything is different from how it used to be and it's gonna be okay.
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